You Can't Do That On TV

While brushing up on the latest news at ZAM I found this.

It's part of the ESRB's rating description for FFXIV. The rest can be found here.

Evidently, FFXIV will have bleeding monsters(in cut-scenes), strong language(H-E-double toothpicks), suggestive themes(that's what she said), and, ESRB's words not mine, "Some female characters are depicted from low camera angles, with lingering camera views of their buttocks (i.e., up-skirt shots)."

Buttocks!? You can't use that word on the internet! You should know better, ESRB.

Anyway, I'm more interested in the "suggestive references" the ESRB quoted from the game: The netmaster's probably up in his office polishing the mast just thinking about her, stick yer manhood in the forge, and you cheating little whore! Some people are calling this "edgy." I don't know about that. It just reminds me of the playfulness Final Fantasy used to have before every game was about some brooding, zazzed-up she-male who just needs to be loved, or get his memory back, or learn why he exists, blah, blah, blah.

I miss the days of the porno mag and developer's room of FFIV and Galuf's comically failing memory and the characters finding out Farris was a girl in FFV. I hope FFXIV gives us more of those kinds of moments.

Owner of a Lonely Heart

Some new videos have popped up on the FFXIV channel. The one linked is a video about the motion capture and creation of the five races. I was hoping for a more in-depth look at character creation, but it was not meant to be. From what was said in the video, it seems like character customization will be ridiculous. They mention being able to change nose size, add moles, tweeze eyebrows, shave chest hair... What? It's in the video. See for yourself.

Now I'm all for customization, (especially since FFXI has, you know, none), but now we've gone to the completely opposite extreme. I mean, it's not like it's hurting anybody. It isn't as though they're forcing people to create incredibly detailed characters. I just wonder who is actually going to spend several hours adjusting the density of his character's nose hairs(probably more than I think).

They also mention that, at present, there are sixty different emotes in FFXIV... Wow. For someone like me, whose emotional spectrum merely covers "angry" and "not angry," that's a superfluous amount of emotion. One of the Lalafell looked like he was doing the chicken dance. I didn't even know that was an emotion.

But enough of FFXIV, I'd like to get real for a second. For the first time since I resubscribed to EGM after their long hiatus, I checked out their online magazine counterpart. Since the current generation of humans doesn't read and prefers to laugh and clap their hands at cutesy videos, EGM needed to give their subscribers something that could let them pretend they were watching Youtube videos instead of reading.

I am more than happy to simply have the print edition of EGM back, and have always shunned online newspapers and magazines. But today I said, "what the hell," and checked out the online magazine.

Honestly, it's pretty cool as far as online publications go. Unfortunately, it stills suffers from the same flaws as many other publications: overstimulation and nightmarish menu navigation.

Though to be fair, EGM online has one of the better organization of menus I've seen, and I could have lived with that if it were the only nuisance.

As I "opened" the "magazine" to "read" it, I was greeted with a video that automatically started playing. I skipped it, but I found it wasn't the only one. The magazine was full of videos, animations, and scrolling text. "I suppose this is a natural evolution," I said to myself. "In print, everything is still. Onine, everything is in motion." I chuckled snobbishly at their frivolous attempt to ammuse me with moving pictures and kept reading (if what I was doing could be called "reading").

It was then I noticed something. I was having trouble reading, and it wasn't just because I was squinting at small computer text on a reflective white background. There was music playing.

"Hm, what a strange place for music," I thought. "It's not like they have music in libraries and--oh, wait, yes they do. Libraries and book stores do stock CDs... And movies... And video games... What the fuck is wrong with this world?"

Just about every page of this magazine has music and sound effects. I love music, but... Come on, guys. I'm trying to read. I don't watch a movie, listen to a record, and read a book all at the same time. When I'm reading, I want to read. Anything else is just distracting.

Most of these intrusive little features can be turned off, skipped, or circumvented in some way. After that, what am I left with? It's now the same magazine I have in print form. Okay, that's not entirely true. If you have premium membership (which I do) the online publication has more info than the print, and I guess that's the real point of the online mag.

So why am I complaining about the online magazine? I have the print form, and I can turn off the distracting features of the online mag if I really want to read it. Well, I'm not complaining about the magazine itself. As I said, it's one of the more organized online publications I've read and the videos and music, while intrusive, are pretty cool. I just can't believe this is where we're heading, not only as gamers, but also as people. Are we really at the point when our culture-induced ADD is so strong we need all of this overstimulation while reading?

Maybe I'm wrong, though. Maybe it's not that we're so technology dependent that we've all but forgotten what a book is. Maybe it's just that gamers prefer to get their information from inaccurate, unimaginative wikis rather than from credible publications.

The World is a Vampire

Wow, long time. Last time I posted was Christmas, huh? Well, with so many other blogs, websites, and wikis covering FFXIV, I was growing bored with merely keeping up with the trickle of information that was coming in. Also, my desktop of eight years finally crapped out on me. I type you this message from my new laptop. I never thought I'd become a massive tool and buy one of these things, yet here I am.

Anyway, with the official website now full of information, many new videos circulating, the beta underway, and the release date(for the PC version) announced, I actually feel out of the loop now. People are talking about the classes, playing the beta, complaining about how the PS3 version won't be released for another six months after the PC version. Seriously, folks, it's never fun when you find out a game you really want to play isn't coming out for a long time, and I know SE were real douches hyping up the PS3 version and saying it would be a simultaneous release with the PC version, but life goes on. As someone who was planning on playing the PS3 version, I'm bummed, too, but there will be other games between now and FFXIV:

Ahem, among other things, of course. To be perfectly blunt, I am in the camp of people who think SE's rather sudden announcement of the PC version release is an attempt to compete for shelf space with Cataclysm. SE has acknowledged World of Warcraft's success and have been saying that Final Fantasy XIV will be competition for WoW. It makes sense; I just have a feeling the PC version is being rushed and will be extremely lacking at first(you know, like Wings of the Goddess was) and I will be glad I waited the extra time to play the PS3 version when it's more of a complete game.

Or in an ironic twist, the game will rock right out of the box, and I will be left whimpering like a puppy and wishing I'd shelled out the extra 200 bucks for a better graphics card for this laptop so I could play it. Maybe then I wouldn't have spilled a glass a water on this thing a mere month after buying it and had to pay 160 dollars to repair it, thus losing the very 200 dollars I wished to save. Yeah, my cup runneth over(Hey, that was a good one.).

Patience is not something I'm normally good with, but with the extra FFXI content, Cataclysm on the way(hopefully), Trauma Team still left to be "XS'd", Rock Band 3 and Fallout: New Vegas coming out this fall, and a Mortal Kombat remake on the horizon, I won't be bored. That's not to mention my backlog, but hey, I should be talking about FFXIV, right?

This game continues to astound me graphically. I know I've been saying this from the beginning, but graphics are not something I usually geek out over. FFXIV is the most visually impressive game I've seen. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. If Final Fantasy is nothing else, it's good looking.

As a non-beta player, it's still hard for me to formulate an opinion on gameplay. All I have to go on are videos and the vague testimonials of the beta players. Combat sounds like a good time, but I haven't heard anything mind blowing. What I've been hoping for with all the emphasis that's being put on the four disciplines is that every job has something to contribute to the fight.

If you look at the official site, you'll see Blacksmith and Miner have the ability to weaken certain types of enemies. I looked through the other classes in the Disciplines of "Land" and "Hand" but didn't see anything similar for them. It may just be that it's too early to post everything about the classes.

It'd be nice if even the crafting classes could at least play a support role in parties. One of the things that always irritated me about FFXI was how out-of-the-way crafting felt. Having to stop to fish to make gil felt like I was putting the really fun things on hold to go play a lame mini-game. Hopefully, the crafting jobs in FFXIV will make me feel more involved in the "main game." How about a Miner weakening an enemies' defense with his pick axe? Why not a Culinarian on the sidelines keeping the other party members fed? Whatever. Anything. Just don't make me feel like I'm taking a time out to go craft.

So far, I've not heard anything of this sort. Seems like combat is still combat and crafting is still crafting. It's just a hell of a lot more convenient since you can switch among the four disciplines on the fly. I guess I'll have to wait for more information to surface. I'm sure everyone is too busy playing the game to write anything about it. I should be so lucky... Damn you, PC gamers!

His real name is "Arty Mori"

So I went to see "Sherlock Holmes" today because I couldn't pass up the chance to see one of the most iconic characters in literature portrayed by Robert Downey Jr., one of my favorite actors. Also, I'm lonely and have nothing else to do on Christmas.

I'll just come out and say straight away that the experience was underwhelming. It's not a bad movie, by any means, but it wasn't really Sherlock Holmes. Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law play interesting conceptions of Holmes and Watson, respectively. However, this movie is not a mystery; it's an action flick.

Right from the start the movie is more fast-paced and acrobatic than any previous incarnations seen of Sherlock Holmes in movies or books. Holmes has always been a multi-faceted individual, but in this movie he's practically Batman, while Watson plays a very capable Boy Wonder.

I know Holmes is a master of deductive reasoning, but the previous movies, as well as the books, always had some sort of methodical progression. They showed Holmes actually being a detective. In "Sherlock Holmes," everything is solved through a few forensic television show zoom-ins and then explained afterwards in one breath by Holmes. A couple of times Holmes has these flashback montages of previous scenes in the movie. I'm guessing this is the movies' way of showing Holmes "figuring out" the pieces of the mystery.

As I said, it's all an attempt to make the movie more actiony(yes, I'm going with "actiony."), and it works. It's a decent action flick with some colorful characters and the always entertaining Robert Downey Jr.. If you like action movies, you'll probably like it. If you're a ferocious Sherlock Holmes purist, perhaps you won't.


Dammit, "action-oriented," why didn't I say that?

Not all that Glitters is Gold

Hey! Do you guys remember this thing from FFXI?

Yeah, me neither until this reminded me of it. It's the Tidal Talisman; a modestly useful teleportation necklace that took up yet another space in your inventory for the payoff of being able to teleport between major cities every 40 hours.

I didn't buy it either, but if you're one of the few who did, you know that in addition to the lackluster ingame benefits, you also received a real-life version of the item. I guess so you could cosplay as your avatar. Surely, you wouldn't wear such a thing during everyday events, would you..? WOULD YOU?

SE Company President Yoichi Wada has revealed that we'll be seeing much more micro-transaction items in FFXIV than we did in FFXI. He said, “we soon learnt that there are a lot of people who want that kind of model, so we would like to introduce more pay-as-you-use items into the game."

Excuse me? Where was I when this survey was taken? I'm going to have my people call your people, SE; I've never heard any positive remarks about micro-transaction from the FFXI crowd. I know there are people who like collecting the real-life items, and that's cool and stuff, but I hope the items they make available in FFXIV aren't necessities, not while they're making us pay a monthly fee, anyway.

In other and completely related news, the official site has been updated with several interesting features, not the least of which being Beta signups for PC. I'll be waiting for the PS3 Beta, myself, but if you're computer has the digital balls to run FFXIV, go for it.

The backstory has also been fleshed out:

And then... war were declared... What? They take card games seriously in Japan. That Galka, I mean Roegadyn, lost his Bahamut Zero card in that duel. I'd be pissed, too.

Well, there is a war. During a huge battle, the adventurers(you, me, and everyone we know) come in contact with the "Echo"(the plot), which gives them the power to relive their past experiences. The "Echo" is the major story of FFXIV which will over-arch the many other sub-plots and side-stories in the game. I know it sounds kind of lame when I say it, but check out the site. They say it in that cool Lord of the Rings prose that makes everything sound like an adventure. "Go forth and wash thy car" and all that.

It's News to me

I'm not sure how I'm only hearing about this now, but it's news to me. Electronic Gaming Monthly Magazine is making a comeback. Evidently, this announcement was made back in May. So how did I only hear about it two days ago at The Escapist?

I did a little digging and found that there really isn't much information on this topic... Why the hell not? This is EGM; people were DEVASTATED when publication stopped last January, myself included. Now they're coming back? This is HUGE. EGM was a monolith of iconography in video game magazines. People should be throwing fliers out of airplanes about this.

Well, I'll be buying forty subscriptions once the magazine becomes available again. Now let's talk about a game called Kenka Bancho: Badass Rumble. If you own a PSP, you need this game. Hurry up, because it's another Atlus title. As I mentioned once before, Atlus games disappear fast. This isn't the kind of game to which you say, "I'll pick it up in six months when the price goes down." Bad idea. Atlus games typically go up in value because they're only made in limited quantity. Chances are you'll be paying more if you wait.

Kenka Bancho is a tongue-in-cheek, beat-em-up game with a straight-forward plot and addictive gameplay that's deeper than it appears. Few portable games satisfy the criteria of being both engaging and easy to put down once the eight hour car ride, wedding toast, or eulogy ends.

You play a local highschool badass on a class trip to Kyouto. It just so happens forty-seven other badasses from forty-seven other school districts are on the same class trip. You have seven days to... well, do pretty much whatever the hell you want. On my first playthrough, I thought the objective was to simply track down and beat up the other banchos, but that's just one thing you can do. There are different events to unlock, secrets to find, even romances to pursue(if you're a pansy). Plus, there's "Night Out," a co-op mode where you can do special missions with your bancho buddies.

Kenka Bancho doesn't exactly break new ground. The game is pretty simplistic, sometimes too much so. I mean, it's a beat-em-up; it shouldn't be complicated, but I wish combat wasn't so monotonous at times. If you're looking to beat every bancho, you need to collect itinerary. You do that by beating up other tough guys... A LOT. Busting skulls is fun, but if you're looking for someone's specific itinerary and you keep getting the same one, it can get stale. As you level up you learn new fighting moves, most of which are only marginally better than others. It seems the purpose of changing your fighting style is mostly cosmetic, which is a bit gimmicky.

The one truly irritating part of this game is the travel system. You can walk, take the train, catch a bus, or call yourself a taxi("I'm a taxi!" That's one of the game's jokes not mine.), all of which will bring you to different destinations. For whatever reason, the only way you can view the map of Kyouto, and thus figure out where to go and which form of transportation you should use, is to actually board a bus, train, or taxi. Now there are several aspects of this game that are kept "secret," but they're nothing that's going to hinder your progress. There is no right or wrong way to play this game, and finding out all of the possibilities is part of the fun. However, "map" is not something that should be kept mysterious. Time is precious in this game, and wasting it trying to physically find a place to view a map is just needless frustration. So I, personally, wound up drawing my own. Yeah, I'm that badass.

Kenka Bancho is a paradox. It's simple, yet complex; parody, but sincere, and at times it's just downright strange. It's a game made by tough guys, for tough guys. Check it out.

Merry Christmas; Jesus Hates You

There hasn't been much to report, but now we've got a new trailer for FFXIV. It's pretty and all but doesn't explain the details we'd all like to know. However, there's a lot of new info at Eorzeapedia that was compiled from an interview GAME Watch conducted with Hiromichi Tanaka and Nobuaki Komoto.

A minor detail that, personally, struck me was that every starting nation will have it's own prologue. The ship arriving in the trailer above is the prologue for characters who start in Limsa Lominsa. It's a nice extra touch considering how unceramoniously you arrived in Vana'diel no matter what nation you picked.

The above commentary would have made a bit more sense about three months ago. It was part of an entry I meant to post way back when the above trailer was first released. For whatever reason, I saved part of it and just never came back to finish it.

Luckily, everything I said is still true. There hasn't been much to report. It's the reason I've been neglecting to update this thing. I got tired of making sarcastic comments to myself about the miniscule news leaks we've been getting from SE... I'm just kidding; I never get tired of being a sarcastic jerk. I've just been playing a lot of video games and haven't really felt like doing much else. Plus, it's the holidays, and I get especially depressed and cynical around the holidays. Partially, it's because I have to run the gauntlet of visiting relatives, but also it's because this time of year gets me thinking about the true meaning of some of these holidays we celebrate in our culture.

If kindergarten taught me anything, it's that Christopher Columbus discovered the earth. Or he invented America. Or maybe it was gravity. Well, in addition to those great accomplishments, he also failed to find a new trade route to India and initiated what would become the genocide of an entire race. That's why every year, on the second Monday in October, we observe this man for giving us an excuse to take off work.

Speaking of reasons why I drink--I mean, October, Halloween is another popular holiday(and a reason I drink). Originally, Halloween was a day of religious cults slaughtering livestock to appease the evil spewed forth from the underworld. In other words, it was pretty cool. Nowadays it means that one night a year, I am expected to buy several townships worth of candy and distribute it to every person who comes to my door wearing a headband with cat ears on it. If I do not oblige these “Trick-or-Treaters(cat people),” by fulfilling my end of this socially accepted norm, they are required, by law, to egg my house. I must then reciprocate by slaughtering a small dog to appease them. They're usually so appeased, they run screaming all the way back to their homes(in the underworld).

After Halloween, it's time to start shopping for a Christmas tree but not presents, because Thanksgiving is coming up, and there's still a whole month until Christmas. It's customary to wait until the night before to go shopping, despite the fact we begin preparing for it at the end of August.

Anyway, Thanksgiving is the commemoration of when the pilgrims invaded the Indian's house, ate all of their food, went through their medecine cabinet, and later killed them. I guess that's basically what we do today, minus the Indians since they're all dead. I guess some holidays retain their original traditions.

Of course, Christmas is not one of those holidays. By some cruel joke of the universe, Christmas embodies all things anti-Christian and is simultaneously regarded as the holiest day of the year next to the super bowl. In reality, Christmas is an amalgamation of traditions steeped in pagan rituals, false gods, and materialism(like the superbowl). You'd actually be hard pressed to find a heathen celebration or blasphemous element to which Christmas isn't connected. Watch. The origin of Christmas to Kevin Bacon in six steps. Go!

Early Roman winter festivals were celebrated with the [1] worship of sun gods, gift giving, and decorating with lights and Yule logs. [2] Yule logs were burned by Scandinavians and vikings to honor Thor, the god of thunder. “Yule” is synonymous with “Christmas,” which is a contraction of “Christ's Mass.” [3] Christ's birthday was decided to be, without any evidence historical, biblical, or otherwise, on December 25. December 25 marks the beginning of what would become “the twelve days of Christmas,” [4] a time of celebrating with lewd and sinful activities. This was especially popular in the middle ages along with the incorporation of ivy and evergreen trees, which were used in winter solstice celebrations for [5] tree worship. The Christmas tree is a mandatory part of the modern Christmas celebration, as is Santa Claus. The myth of Santa Claus encourages the accumulation of material wealth as well as promotes [6] greed, one of the 7 sins. “7” is a number in the title of the upcoming movie “The Magic 7” which will feature [7] Kevin Bacon as himself. Darn, so close.